Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
