How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
