why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
