In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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