She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
