hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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