i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
