I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
