He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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