So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
