I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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