If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
