i love accidental penises.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Found your dick twin last night
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
