I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
