My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
