So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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