I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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