omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
