Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
