new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
