Slut skills are useful in every country.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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