I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
