I just pynch a tree in the face
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
