this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
