My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
They took my balls.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
