Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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