maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize