ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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