From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
