...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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