Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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