the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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