Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
