Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
