i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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