It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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