After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
