So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
