He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
