well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
