We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
