I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
