I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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