I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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