Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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