i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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