For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
