Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I touched a dick in church today
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
