Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Randomize
