I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
