never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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